Wish
by sosise
Summary: If you can love my twin, why can't you love me too? Kuro X Fay X Yui.
1. Chapter 1

My first TRC fanfic. Kuro X Fay X Yui.

I love them. they are great.

* * *

I never know that fate is this unpredictable. In a second, I get what I wanted. The chance I have been waiting or whole life… the opportunity that paid with my twin brother's soul.

As we lay together on the road, full of blood; both of us look exactly the same; I wonder whether we even look symmetrical when you viewed in from the sky. Both of us, in the middle of blood pool, sharing exact physique and state; just that I am still having my soul whilst my dear brother has lost his.

People were screaming and an ambulance came. But it is too late, people. I can feel my brother's soul is gone. Some parts of my heart were gone with him too, since he and I had shared the same womb. But I don't care. I don't need that part of my heart. Now I can be him all I like and pretend… no, I can steal his life! How good is that?

As my consciousness drifted away, I could see some people came with ambulance siren. They were panicked and tried their best to lift us without hurting. Well, I might just as well succumb to this sleepiness...

* * *

"Are you awake?" Ashura (44) asked softly to his son. "can you hear me?"

"…dad?" the boy opened his eyes and spoke in painful tone, but audible. People were waiting around them; they were all waiting for an answer.

"Son… I am sorry… but your brother has died…"

"what? Yui died?" the golden haired boy shouted in surprised and immediately fall into tears. His blue orbs were shimmering with crystal clear liquid; beautiful craved. "you are joking!"

Ashura smiled. So this is Fay, his other son. He has two sons, Fay and Yui. They are twins, their genes are 100% identical to each other and they were having some difficulties separating which one is who. And although unspoken, everybody knows that they wished Fay is the one who survived.

People smiled. They left the room to give the father-son some privacy. Ashura was so glad, he didn't even reserved himself from hugging his survivor son.

"I am glad it's you, Fay."

The boy flinched a bit; but he hugged back. "but it is so awful… being alone… without _Yui_…"

"You will get over it, of course." Ashura assured his son. "Dad will be here for you."

"…thanks dad."

"Now we have only each other. But I promise I will be there for you as much as I can." Ashura smiled. However, his cell phone immediately rings. Both of them know what is that means. Ashura is a famous graphic designer that is always in demand. The call is mostly from his manager, Yuuko, who is a very strict and independent but competent and dependable woman of 28. They are engaged last month; the twins' mother has died 12 years ago because of a traffic accident.

"Dad… I think she is calling…"

"Let her be! I am tired of working…" Although he looked serious and mature, Ashura is a childish and selfish brat inside. He always looks for excuses from working behind his computer; be is being with his beloved son or being sick with ridiculous make believe illness. But Yuuko knows whom she is working with and always found her way to make sure Ashura is working properly.

"Dad… she will be angry, and it's not good for both of us…" Fay chuckled and patted his father's hair. "I will be fine. You should return to work. When will I be release from hospital, dad?"

"I heard that you may come home the day after tomorrow. You are surprisingly fine, Fay. Only some first degree burns, but it's so light that you won't have scar marks. And I am glad, cause you have the most beautiful skin, just like your mother."

"How about Yui?"

"…his body has been cremated. He died on the spot; we couldn't help him, you know…"

Fay looked serene. His dad hugged him for the last time, pecked a kiss on his forehead.

"am I intruding something?" a man, tall and muscular with dark hair and red eyes entered the room. He smiled. Ashura and Fay smiled too. They were already like a family. The man, known as Kurogane, is Fay's boyfriend and their neighbour.

The fact that they are homosexual couple had been overlooked by many since Fay is simply adorable and feminine. Fay, the older of the twins, is always the assertive and responsible with gentle manner that instantly likeable. Ashura has already given them his blessing; he was glad his son gets a real competent man. Yui, on the other hand, is the opposite of Fay. He is a famous delinquent; although sharing the same angelic face, he is _the_ troublemaker and kinda antisocial. People were actually afraid of him and his harsh way. Many called them the angel and devil of Ashura family.

"Dad, I am OK since Kurogane is here… so please return to Yuuko."

Ashura, trapped within the reality and the will to run away from job, in the end gave up and sighed. "Fine; since you had your boyfriend, daddy is now lonely… see you soon then. Kurogane, I trust him into your care."

"Thank you, Mr. Ashura. I won't disappoint you." Kurogane chuckled, opening the door for the long haired father. After he closed the door and took a seat beside the bed, he touched his lover's hand.

"I was shocked when I heard the accident. Are you ok?"

Fay smiled. "I am fine. But Yui…"

"Yes, I know. I have heard the news."

"…Are you glad I am the one who survived?"

Kurogane sensed something was off. The question somehow may have double meaning in it. They were childhood friends; Fay and Yui is practically undistinguishable. Kurogane has learned to differentiate them in some ways or the other, but now he wouldn't need to think who was in front of him anymore and although he should be happy, he couldn't help but feeling something was lost.

"… I am glad you are alive. But I will be more happy if both of you are safe."

"will you … miss Yui?"

"…Yeah. Kinda. He's like the little brother to us, isn't he?"Kurogane smiled and patted his lover's cheek. "Don't think too much. It's not your fault he passed away. It's all fate and be glad you are here."

Fay smiled as usual and closed his eyes. Kurogane, catching the hint, moved closer and kissed him full in the lips.

Somehow it felt different; but it's similar. Kurogane didn't have time to think about it, as his lover drifted back into his slumber sleep.

* * *

When the door closed behind me, I opened my eyes.

Kuro has gone. The visit hour has ended and I will be alone now. Now, I can freely cursing myself.

I could see it clearly; everybody was glad _Fay_ is the one who survived. Nobody wanted _Yui_. Well, being a hard child for so long, no wonder no one loves me or wished I am alive. Nobody even shed a tear for me.

I am Fay. No, actually I am Yui that has taken my dead brother's name.

I actually liked the name Fay better. Fay has some exotic feeling associated to it while Yui… is simply Yui. Fay is the better one between two of us. We shared 100% same gene; we shared the same golden hair and blue eyes. We shared the same properties. We shared the same face structure. We shared the same womb. We have the same house, we have the same parents. But everybody especially pa loves Fay better. Since I was small I was always compared to him. Our intelligent level is the same. It's just he is hardworking and always aiming for the top while I spend my time smoking and shagging girls behind the school yard. Our face and body structure is identical. It's just that I always fight and have scars all over my body, so my body tainted and not as pure as his skin. Fay is always excellent in everything; he could do housework perfectly; he could balance study and his school activity, and he is a step away from becoming the school's president. Me, on the other hand, have no interest whatsoever in housekeeping (although actually I can cook and clean, I never bothered because Fay will do it for us and anyway, people will believe that Fay is the one cooking although I was the one who did it. It happened last time when we were small. I was the first one who can cook; I did dinner for us, but pa only praised Fay for making dishes he didn't made and Fay, being Fay, never disagree and let himself get the praise in my place) and one step away from being expelled from the school.

We should have shared the same fate.

But no; we are not. Pa likes him better than me. Fay is everybody favourite; Fay is better than me; he is more assertive and I am always the one in the down side, like they said when they thought I wasn't listening:

"_Look, that child; why can't he be more like his brother?"_

"_Fay is such a wonderful child; I wonder why his brother is like that."_

"_Gloomy, yes. I wonder were they even came from the same parent?" _

"_Well, Fay is enough. Don't mind him." _

What 'don't mind him'? I want to be minded! I am customized to blend into the background while Fay has all the spot light. People adore him and they loathed me. I never have the feeling of accomplishment whenever Fay is beside me or doing the same thing. Moreover, Fay got everything I want… he get the boy I liked since long time ago… our neighbour, Kuro.

But now it is changed. I am Fay and I can live happily as Fay.

Goodbye, Yui.

* * *

any message, review, friend, critic, onion, welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

I think I have written quite a heavy chapter. and i kept making their characteristic out of the real plot. but i assured you, Kuro-pii will always stay the same.

Enjoy!

* * *

I am returning to home tomorrow.

And I just realized another weakness in my sudden wish-come-true-scenario. I must do all of Fay's works, including housekeeping, school president, and the 'angel'. I have no problem doing the house works—it's just it will be a tedious job and tiring without end. Maybe dad will do it for me in the first week, but I will be required to do it eventually. Being a school president? It may take a lot of my patience, but I think I can make it. Be the school's number one? Easy. I have no prob. But… I couldn't be the angel.

I found out that smiling is really tiring. I am used to hang my mouth loose, never care what I looked like. Now, in Fay's shoes, I must smile 24 hours a day. Even in my sleep I must look adorable. I must be compassionate; I must show real attention and affection towards everybody near me. I must be the gentle nightingale, always comforting others and put their needs above mine. I must be the 'Jesus Christ'.

I can't. I am amazed of how actually Fay can do all these this long. He always smiles to others; gentle and kind. He never smiles to me though. We shared a room, although our house is big enough, but our room was the biggest; and ma liked it when we shared room. We have been sharing that room since we were born, and unchanged as ma's last wish. We both know it was a hateful last wish; he would still smiles by an inch outside the door; but once he entered, he will turn to icy cold. Especially if he sees me. We would look away from each other; avoiding the mirror-like person in front of us. We loathed ourselves. He would never share his things with me, neither would me. He will do everything in silent as possible, while I will kick my way out, reminding him to give way when I want to pass. We never touched each other. The last time I remembered we touch was in that accident.

His hands were pushing my shoulder towards the road. And I grabbed his wrist, pulling him to the road as well. We both fell towards the road, and the car. Looking back, he was the one who pushed me first and I am the one who pulled him next. We are really twins, we do everything in unison. I have more reflex than him; I have more fight experience. We had our hand locked when we were lying in the middle of those blood pools, just like when we were born. I didn't know what was in his mind in that cold night; all I remembered was suddenly he came to me and ask me to go home together. He was looking strange. And my chest hurts.

I know it's not my feeling; I can feel that it was Fay's feeling. We sync a lot. We have many shared feelings. I could feel his tiredness every single night; he could feel the burning sensation in his cheek when I was punched. I could feel his presence in different room and he could find me in minutes, even though I am hiding in darkest corner in school. He could feel the sensation when I was shagging those girls and I… can feel the satisfaction when he was held by Kurogane.

Every touch made me jealous to death. And I guess Fay knows it as well.

I sighed. It's really tiring. Just after I get what I want; all the memories started to come back. Why am I still thinking about Fay when he is already gone? I should be happy now, enjoying my new days.

Maybe it is not as happy as I imagined it would be, but I know it is definitely happier than what mine was. At least… everybody loves you, Fay.

Except me.

__________________

"Be careful with your step, dear." Ashura opened the door for his son, who is being helped by Kurogane to walk towards the house. The 2 storey house is quite big and comfortable, with wide and tidy private garden. Ashura employed a gardener to take care the garden, but sometimes Fay watered and planted flowers on it. Yui always trampled on the plant when he sneaked out from the house, and it has been one of the quarrel reasons between Yui and his father.

"_Can't you be more concerned about your brother? He planted those flowers you trampled on! You should apologize to him!"_

"_It's fine, dad… I am fine…"_

"_Hear that? He doesn't care, pa. So shut up. It's only flowers anyway. You can plant them anytime and they will die sooner or later anyway."_

"_Yui!"_

Ashura smiled. "… I know this is improper, but I am actually glad that your flowers will be saved from now on, Fay."

"…Dad…" Fay looked serene once again, but he quickly smiled. "I know. I am glad too."

Kurogane felt the body in his hand twitched a bit. He sensed something was off, again. There is something… maybe Fay is being rigid and twitchy because the accident and Yui's sudden death. Maybe he was just feeling bad… well, he knows that the twins weren't having good brotherly time, but he knows that Fay is actually still worried about his brother. Fay talks about Yui at least once a day. He mostly complained and kinda bad-mouthed Yui in front of him, but Kurogane guessed inside, Fay did care. And Yui, being Yui, never cared about Fay that much, but Kurogane knew he always tried to help Fay in his own way.

Kurogane remembered the last class party held in the school. Somebody snuggled some beer into the room. People started to drink, while Fay was helplessly asking them not to drink against the school regulation. Yui suddenly kicked those guys in the chaos, took every beer in the room, and drunk them all. In the end, he was the only one who gets called into the principal's office.

The twins cared about each other. But they were dishonest with themselves. Since their mother's funeral, that is.

They entered the house in silence. Ashura ushered Fay and Kurogane to the living room, where the surprise party was held (Ashura himself was forced by Yuuko to go to level two and finished his job immediately after). Everybody from neighbourhood and school were there; people who know Fay basically were there to celebrate the return of their angel. Fay looked awkward for a moment, but he quickly regains his composure and greeted everybody. He smiled and thanked everybody for the surprise party. Everybody was having a great time; Fay is back and safe! And Fay himself was so animated, laughing and smiling happily, receiving showers of gifts and hugs and kisses. But again, Kurogane caught some moments when Fay's eyes weren't clear—as if he wanted to cry—although he is smiling the usual smile while receiving their hugs.

And Kurogane just realized nobody mourned for Yui. Maye they have forgotten him. Maybe they were relieved. Either way, nobody even asked about Yui.

When the party ended and everybody who stayed to clean the house has finished their job properly, Fay went slumped to the sofa. Kurogane kissed his forehead. "Are you tired?"

"..yes, I am…"

"let me take you up. We still have school tomorrow."

"…school?"

"Yes. We know that you don't like to skip school, do you?"

Fay was looking lost for sometime, but he nodded in the end. "Yes… I hate… skipping school. Carry me, please, Kurogane?"

"the pleasure is mine."

Kurogane easily took him in his arms and climbed the stairs towards the bedroom. His boyfriend is the slim and delicate type; although he is a man but his body reminds people of a female. And actually, Yui's too. People just forget it because Yui is strong enough to knock out bigger bloke and kicked a hole through wall.

Kurogane bite his lip. What is he doing? Keep comparing Fay and Yui? Why suddenly he felt so lost? Why is he kept remembering Yui? Is it because Yui is gone now? Fay is in front of him; he shouldn't think about Yui anymore.

________________________

I buried my head on Fay's pillow. It smelled like Fay's shampoo. A girly smell. And started from today I must use the shampoo. I will smell like a girl. I don't like being sissy. Ha! A man should be more macho…

And what the hell with Fay and his obsession with school? I am going straight away to school just after the day I am released from hospital? Don't you kidding me? I want my sleep, for goodness sake! Stupid Fay, if only he never said he likes school…

But oh well. I couldn't even bring myself to bad-mouthing Fay. The party was pure torture. It reminds me of how actually I am unwelcomed anywhere in this house, this neighbourhood, this school. Well, I thought some girls I shagged will remember me… but apparently they were glad I died, despite what they said about liking me and asking me to be their lover. I thought at least dad will asked people to calm down since I was considered dead and must be respected, but apparently dad was the one who suggested the party. And I couldn't see my name on the altar. Maybe they haven't burry Fay yet… And I thought Kurogane will mourn a bit for me.

I was wrong. Nobody even remembered I died. Maybe I wasn't even exist before.

I bit my lips. Hey, I am not that bad. Come on, I was just a normal delinquent. Even my fellow delinquent friends have their family concerned about them. And somehow it makes me feel so stupid and sad.

Maybe I was never meant to be loved anyway… since ma died because of me. So this is my atonement.

Somehow I felt empty. I know I am sad and disappointed about my non-existence in those people's hearts; but this feeling is deeper, and more disturbing. I am lying on Fay's bed. And I will stay here. The bunk bed will be half empty now. One of us has gone. And I felt alone. I never slept here alone. There were always two of us. Fay's scent… Fay's things… they are now laying useless since their master has gone. I will be their new master, but it doesn't feel right. I am used to Fay's cold stare on me, I am used to see myself in different pyjamas, I'm used to listen to his soft snore before I snore louder in my dream. I lost it all… No, I don't want to admit I miss it. I am not missing anything. This is great. GREAT. I am alone, this room is finally mine and mine alone, Fay's stuff and Fay's life is mine.

But why am I still having these… stupid tears?

Well, maybe I was just too disappointed and angry about the party. I finally lost my other hateful half. I should be smiling right now.

Fay's face looked at me from the mirror. Fay… nii chan…

I closed my eyes and drifted to the blank emptiness, while my eyes still producing heaps and heaps of unwanted liquid.

* * *

review, PM, critic, idea, greetings, onion, welcome.

TBC (Tubercolosis! HAH!)


	3. Chapter 3

I make another short chapter. yipee~! I have not prepared for my mid semester exam. i am doomed.

I just realized i have named them wrongly ( It should be Fai and Yuui) but i am too lazy to change and yes, please bear with me. Thanks.

enjoy~!

* * *

It's annoying.

It's annoying how people greet me like they know me so well when in fact they don't. These people greet me like I am their best friends when I know that none of them are—well, not mine, and not Fay's either. I have never seen Fay uses his phone. He had heaps and heaps of numbers in his cell; but the only one he used was dad's, Yuuko's and Kurogane's. Fay has always puts his cell on the table; and once, actually, when he wasn't looking and I was bored with nothing to do and curiosity took its toll on me, I opened it.

There were only formal student body messages inside and practically no one ever called him. He always called people but he never been called by others. I was laughing inside. The so-called popular Fay! But then, when I looked into my own cell, there is also nobody to call and nobody called. I am worse than Fay; I don't even have any messages or anything. Well, I used to have some messages from those one-week women I used to date, but I never kept their number so I only have dad's, Kuro-pii's, and…Fay's numbers in my cell.

Funny that I now feel like we are really twins.

It is fun rummaging through Fay's belongings. He has a lot of stuff I never wanted and I will never get. I suspect he has more pocket money than I do. Pa never abashed in showing his preference. And I found Fay's diary.

Diary. I can't believe it. Diary! Fay! Well, he is girly anyway, so… yeah… and of course, as its new master I need to open them and write stuff on it as if I am Fay.

After one minute I was bored. The whole page was describing his exact day to day schedule.

_09.00 am I am going to school. Meet Kurogane in front door and we walked together. He held my hand. I am happy. He is so gentle towards me. _

I throw the book to the floor. Shit! It makes me angry. Happy? What happy? Kurogane has been always gentle to you! He always treated you like the princess while he treated me like the little pet dog. Do you want to brag? You have already received the love from everyone… and you still need to brag about Kuro's too? You have stolen everything from me! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

I know I am jealous. Just see, Fay. I'll take Kuro-tan from you.

___________________________

"Fay; can I come in?"

"…yes." Fay's sound from the other side of the door sounded weak. Kurogane pulled the door opened and found Fay was hugging himself on the corner of his bed while still in his uniform.

"I heard… something happened today." Kurogane started. He was surprised to find Fay wasn't in his class by the last bell. It was the third week Fay came back to school. People have noticed some difference in Fay's behaviour, but they assumed he was just having the posttraumatic disorder. When he went to Fay's class today as usual (they always gone home back together), his classmate told him Fay has return home in fifth period.

Something was amiss. Fay's classmate told Kurogane that it was the homeroom period; the class was noisy as usual and the teacher asked Fay to be the customary pacifier. But apparently Fay hit a girl before running from the class.

The girl was being persistence and instead of closing her mouth, she mocked Fay. It was said that she also mentioned something about Yui as well. And Fay hit the girl, left the surprised-till-the-point-of-pin-dropped-silence class and left without even bothered taking his bag. Kurogane has to take the bag home, and found that Fay is locking himself inside the room.

It was odd, especially for the angel Fay. Kurogane actually have thought about some crazy possibility that… Fay is Yui. He was rocking his brain in and out, trying to stop himself from suspecting further. But he could see some evidence. Fay's recent attitude and mood swings were similar to Yui's. Although Fay is still great in housekeeping and cooking as usual, Kurogane missed the bento Fay usually make. Fay used to make bento so the two of them can eat it together in recess. Nowadays Fay felt like he has forgotten almost their usual habits. Fay never prepared any bento anymore, stopped calling him at night like usual (Fay loves to keep him in phone at least 2 hours every night) and … he is being guarded even around him.

Well, it maybe just because Yui's death and Fay couldn't take the mental pressure. Maybe he was thinking too much. Maybe he was just reading too deep the usual smile of Fay. He knows the smile is never true; but at least he realized that Fay is always happy whenever they spend time together.

Kurogane found himself comparing the old and current Fay. The current Fay, this Fay who is holding himself on the corner of the bed, even refused to look at Kurogane's face is, is weird. The old Fay would run straight into his arm, asking for a cuddle, hug and kiss until he could calm himself down. Only Kurogane knows how actually Fay is breaking under the pressure to be a good boy. Fay is always the delicate boy who suffered inside, pressuring himself to be an angel to everybody, putting everybody before himself. The old Fay would ask Kurogane to tell him that everything will be ok, that everybody still needs him. The old Fay would run to Kurogane's room instead of locking himself inside the twin's room. The old Fay would never raise his hand against anything, let alone a woman. The old Fay would never lost his temper thanks to his really strong self control.

Kurogane pulled the current Fay to his embrace. The body went rigid and Kurogane felt two hands pushed him away as if they have forgotten how good it is being embrace by the black haired guy. As if he _never _has been inside the embrace.

"W…What are you doing?" Fay asked him, trembling.

"I just want to cuddle you like usual. Don't you want it?"

"…did I… usually cuddle with you?"

The question rings the bell inside Kurogane's head.

He waited for a minute before smiling and rose from the bed. "No. I thought you need it, after a rough day like this. Would you mind telling what happened?"

Fay hesitated before grabbing Kurogane's shirt.

"Don't go." He whispered. "Cuddle me… like usual."

_____________________________________

Blunder.

I have made a mistake. I asked something I shouldn't ask. And now I am pretending to be sleeping in Kuro-chi's lap. I was letting myself being embraced. And I just know… how good it is to be embrace by Kuro-pii. No wonder Fay likes it. No wonder Fay always asked Kurogane to embrace him. It is so warm, safe and I felt like nothing can go wrong. As if I don't need to think of anything else, just enjoy this bubbly feeling and just concentrated on how to breathe normally and keep my heart from jumping out. I have dreamt about it since they going out and I could feel the sync sensation from Fay. I never know that being actually hugged by Kuro—no, being hugged by someone is actually this good. Especially by Kuropii, I felt twenty times as good as the synchro feeling. I have forgotten about it. Ma and pa used to hug us together when we were small. But since ma death, pa doesn't want to hug me. He only hugs Fay. Well, now I think he will hug me.

I found out by time that actually I am afraid of touch. Being touch and touched other is different. When you touched other, you forced them to receive you. But when other touches me… I feel like I must receive the person and I felt rigid… I don't like it. I was used to be the one who forced people to receive me, just to be rejected in return. I got used to the process of forcing and being rejected, it seemed like a habit already. I have stopped waiting for people to touch me because I know it wouldn't happen. If I want to be received, then I must force them to.

When Kuro-tan touched me… I was scared. I jolted. The first time in years somebody have the initiation to touch me. And I was moved.

Kuro-tan is willing to connect with me.

Oh, maybe it wasn't me. I am Fay now. Of course Kuro-tan will embrace Fay. They are the _'lovers'._

Hey… I felt really unease with these feelings. Can I really keep on living by pretending I am Fay? Can I really endure these feelings?

No. I don't want to think about that. I am tired.

Today was the worst. I snapped because of that bitch. She was one of the girls I shagged last month; she is pretty but with ego as big as sin. She mocked me. She told me that I—well, Fay—is a goody two shoes.

Eh?

No, she also said something about me—Yui—being a good for nothing brother… but I forgotten about it. What made me angry was because she mocked Fay for being goody two shoes.

What is this?

What… is this?

Why am I angry for Fay?

I… why?

My hands felt cold. I suddenly have the urge to cry. What… is this?

Fay… nii chan? Where are you?

______________

* * *

do you like it?

i have tried to reduce my grammar error. i think i failed. the more i think the more riddiculous it sounded. hahahaha. please feel free to show me again, lol.

any comments, review, friends, PM, critics, onion welcome.


	4. Chapter 4

THIS IS UN BETA-ED VERSION. I MIGHT CHANGE OT LATER FOR THE BETTER BETA-ED VERSION.

PLEASE TELL ME YOUR OPINION OF THIS CHAPTER.

* * *

I found myself getting agitated by each passing day.

I couldn't found any happiness being alone in the room. I found no peace on being the good president body—they have chosen me last week—and found the work is tiring. I found nothing inside Kurogane's warm welcome. I couldn't find anything pleasurable anymore, anywhere. Even when dad asked me what happen and shown me the attention I have yearned for years, I am unaffected and instead, banging the door room behind me. When I looked back, people have already asking me and themselves whether I am ok. Whether I am Fay.

The only thing that saves me these days was Fay's diary. When I opened the book, I felt I am not alone. Fay is beside me and reading the sentences aloud in my ear. He will smirk and tease me like we used to when we were small. He will hold my hand, showing the parts of the pages where he poured down his intense feeling. He will smile, and patted my head, saying mother loves both of us like nobody else did. He will whisper some silly joke in my dream, singing some lullaby we used to hear from our mother. Poking into my skin when I tried to run into sweet dream. Walking beside me when nobody else is around. But he will sulk when I spend my time with Kurogane.

I couldn't call him Kuro-pii, kuro-tan, or kuro-chii anymore, even in my own mind conversation. I couldn't risk the chance I blurted out the wrong name and made him suspected me further as the fake Fay. I couldn't be relaxing anymore around him, constantly having a barrier so that he wouldn't know I am impersonating Fay. I couldn't smile as well as Fay used too, although I still maintain the smile on my lips like it is the only mask I have left. I have stopped showing other emotions except that smile because I am too tired just in maintaining the perfect smile. I forgot how Fay made other expression, and the smile is the only safe expression I can make now.

I felt empty and tired.

All I wanted right now is turned back the time and stop myself from pulling Fay's hand into the road with me… I want to just let Fay pushed me down to the road. So I will be the only one who had the accident and die.

I want to see ma.

__________

Kurogane couldn't help but worried. In these past months, Fay is becoming more and more distant. He is growing empty, even people starting to avoid him because Fay is always smiling and it creep them out. Fay's grade was still the same, but people can sense that it was the only thing remains from the old Fay. Fay looked skinnier by days; he resembled those anorexic models right now. He always smiled and always kept his silence, only spoke when necessary. He looked fragile; and a thread away from collapsing. Even the strict PE teacher has ordered him to stay in the shade for rest in every PE session now. People begun to suspect several theories; teachers wanted to check Fay to mental hospital due to inability of concentrating in class, students making gossips about how Yui's ghost haunting Fay, and the neighbourhood blaming Ashura as a failure father for neglecting his son.

Ashura had tried his best to help Fay: he has started to help Fay in housekeeping, asking Yuuko to seriously reduce his load of work so that he could spend time with his only son, trying to take Fay to various places to cheer him up also trying to give Fay everything he asked. But Fay is always smiling, agreeing with everything and asking for nothing. Ashura just realized that it has been long time since he saw the blue orb of his son. His son's eyes never opened right now. And when those lids opened in some rare occasions, emptiness and hollowness is there; clearly haunted the poor father.

____________

Fay was waiting behind the crossing. Students were flowing out from the school gate behind him; the school has ended for today. The heat and noises filled the air. Fay skipped his weekly student body meeting; he couldn't bring himself to stay longer in the school. He wanted to go somewhere silent, alone, to read his diary. His vision blurred; he fell unconscious the next second.

Some girls screamed. The teachers panicked and called some male students to help carry Fay back into the health room in school. Kurogane was faster. He took Fay gently and checked his lover's heartbeat. Slow, but it's still there. He carried him back home and assured the teachers that it's better to take Fay home than going to hospital. Kurogane remembered that Fay hates hospital since their mother's accident.

When they reached the Ashura's home, nobody was there. Ashura was out in a very important meeting he couldn't skip. Kurogane put down Fay gently on the sofa and slipped some pillows and blanket over his lover. He is much lighter now. Kurogane couldn't believe he was carrying human. It was so light for human weight measure that it resembled the weight of a sack of rice.

"…F…ay…." Fay mumbled something in his sleep. Kurogane sighed. At least Fay has regains his consciousness. But the name he called intrigued him. Why a person called his own name in his dream?

"..Yui." he whispered softly at the sleeping boy. The boy suddenly cried; although he didn't open his eyes. The teardrop went down passing his cheek, wetting the pillow. Kurogane startled. He kissed the golden haired boy's forehead.

"Yui." He whispered once again. The smaller boy trembled and cried more tears. His mouth opening, mumbling.

"Fa..Fay…"

"I am Kurogane."

"Kuro… help me… I am … scared."

Fay stretched his arm out. Kurogane caught the hand and kissed it, holding it near to his heart. Kurogane was sure that Fay is still unconscious. The talking Fay right now is his subconscious self. Or maybe it's Yui. Kurogane felt choked, creep went into his spine. Who is this person in front of him? Who is this mumbling boy? Who is this… is he his lover… or his secret love?

He cursed himself. He should have just forgets everything about Yui. Even thought he knows now for sure that this boy is Yui, he should pretend like he is Fay. He has already chosen Fay. He should be happy that Fay is here, even though it is actually Yui impersonating Fay.

He remembered the night before the accident.

_Yui looked from his window pane and their eyes met. Yui looked away and closed the curtain, but Kurogane stayed staring by the window. _

"_Sorry for waiting!" Fay smiled cheerfully, closing the door behind him and run towards his waiting lover/neighbour. They were going to midnight movies. But he stopped when he saw Kurogane staring at the window. And he could sense that Yui is the one standing behind the window with closed curtain. He couldn't stop himself to ask Kurogane. _

"_Are you… regretting in choosing me?"_

"_Ah, Fay. Sorry. I was thinking of something else. What did you say?" Kurogane smiled, tried to hide the fact that he has just imagining kissing his lover's twin. _

"_I said… did you just thinking about Yui… again?"_

"_..Fay, listen." Kurogane clear his throat. "I am not. I am your lover, ok? I am imagining you."_

"_Yes, you are imagining me with different name. You choose me, so why do you still thinking about him?"_

"_Fay, I chose you, that's why I am here. And you know it. And I didn't think about him; trust me."_

_Fay smiled. Clearly he knew what the truth was and it hurts him. Unfallen tears clouded his eyes. "Do you think I couldn't tell? How long has I … stared at you with the same way you stare at him?"_

"_Fay… Come on… don't talk about this anymore… we have already promised…" Kurogane tried to hug his lover, but Yui declined and pushed him away. _

"_If you can love my twin, why can't you love me?"_

"_Fay. I don't want to discuss this thing further."_

"_I am clearly the better choice. I am good, I can cook, I am feminine, I am patient and I am reliable. He is the worse of us, he fights, he is arrogant and father says he is annoying. I am better than him. We share the same features. Why don't you love me? Why?"_

"_Fay, it is impolite to say your brother like that."_

"_SEE? See what I mean? You would never look down on him like others will. And in the end everybody loves Yui better than me. Dad spends more time trying to control Yui rather than giving attention to me. People talked about Yui more than they asked about me. Mother… asked me to take care of Yui because he is my little brother in her last breath, without mentioning anything about me. It's always Yui, Yui, and Yui. People compare us and even though I have done my best to be better, people still put more attention on Yui. And you love Yui."_

"_Fay…"_

"_Don't touch me! I don't want to continue being a substitute of him for you! If you love him, why don't you just go and asked him out now? Don't mind me!!!"_

"_Fay, calm down…"_

"_What calm down? I have tried to suppress myself all these years. I tried to protect Yui like mother's last wish but he didn't even feel thankful and even treat me coldly. I have done my best to help father but he never thanked me; he only put attention on Yui because he never help doing housekeeping. I am trying to be the best student, but they all using me as their pacifier, working me out as their slave in school works. Teachers always asked me to control my little brother. Always Yui and Yui and Yui they talking about. They never asked about me. They only asked about Yui. I fed up! I don't want to be like this anymore!"_

"_Fay, you are being unreasonable… of course they talked about Yui with you, he is your twin."_

"_I never asked to be born with him!"_

"_Fay!!!!" Kurogane slapped his boyfriend. Fay froze. His cheek stung. It hurts twice than usual. Maybe because he didn't share this sting feeling with Yui._

"… _you hit me… and only me."_

"_Fay?"_

"_Do you know we synch a lot? He could feel the sensation when you came inside me, Kuro. He is jealous to death and I can feel it. And I feel happy. I am happy because I have you for myself. But this slap… you only intend to slap me and that's why it's only me who felt hurts. I get it… you always think of him whenever you came, right? Ha… hahaha. Funny. Funny. How pathetic I am." Fay smiled and stared at Kuro. "If one of us died… which do you prefer to kill?" _

"_Fay?"_

"_Do you want me or Yui to die?" Fay smiled creepily and touched his boyfriend's chest. "be honest, Kuro. I love you. I don't mind dying if it's your wish." _

"_Fay!"_

"_If I die, then you can be his lover. You have the reason to be his lover. I am sure Yui will accept you. Both of you will be very happy." _

"_Fay, please stop joking."_

"_Who's joking? I am always serious about you. But you were never serious about me." Fay is clearly crying right now. His palm on Kurogane's chest trembled. "goodbye."_

_Fay run away from Kurogane and closed the door. _

_The next night, that accident happened and both twins were sent to hospital. _

_Kurogane was scared. Who will he meet when he opened the hospital door? Will it be Yui? Or …Fay?_

_And he found Fay with Yui inside. _

Kurogane sighed. Honestly he was secretly wishing it was Yui who lived. And now he gets what he wants. Yui is the one who survived. But then when he remembered the hurt in Fay's eyes that night… he couldn't bring himself to accept Yui. He kept reminding himself he deserved to be _Fay's_ _lover _forever. He should pretend along with Yui that Fay is alive and Yui is the one who die.

And looking at the hurting Yui in front of him tortures him more.

______________________

_12.00 pm. Yui hasn't come home. Should I call father? But I think he could take care of himself… I don't feel he is hurt anyway… _

I couldn't read it anymore. Fay beside me smiled. _Look, he whispered, I was worried about you_. He shows me the last sentence. _And I waited for you till morning without sleep. _

Then why you never tell me about any of this???

_I don't want you to know. We were not in good term, were we?_ He smiled to me and touched my cheek. _But now we are, _he whispered to me_, and I will never let you go. I will be by your side every single moment. _

Even though I am with Kurogane? I asked.

He looked hurt. _You have me_, he pouted. _Why did you want to go to him anymore? You only need me, you only have me, and we will be together forever_.

But Fay… I have been thinking and I want to… be Yui back. I don't want to be you anymore. I realized it's impolite to you as well as it is to me.

"…_you want to leave me like mother do? Like Kurogane do?_ He looked at me sadly. _Was I not enough? _

Not that you aren't enough, but I … am tired living myself as you.

_Did you think I wasn't tired out when I was being your substitute to him? _

You? Substitute? To whom?

_Read my diary further and you will know. _

I watched as he disappeared to the air. A tear dropped from my eyelids. I know Fay is just my imagination. I know he is not here anymore. But he felt so real. And I couldn't refuse my own brother.

But I have decided to put an end to all of this.

I am going to tell father and Kurogane tomorrow who I really am.

* * *

PRIVATE MESSAGE PLEASE.


	5. Chapter 5

ALMOST THERE; PLEASE HANG ON WITH ME.

FYI; I HAVE MAKE ANOTHER ONE SHOT TITLED 'CHILDHOOD MEMORIES' WITH FAY'S POV. I HOPE THAT CAN HELP SET THINGS STRAIGHT, LOL.

* * *

I had made up my mind.

This is my last time lying to myself. I will tell them who I am although it might hurt.

I decided on cosy Friday night. We were sitting comfortably by the sofa; pa was sitting beside Yuuko-san and Kurogane was sipping his tea. We were watching a TV drama, unimportant and uninteresting. Time went slow and everybody was relaxed.

I took a deep breath. My hand trembled. My mind goes blank. My heart beats like they are ready to jump out from my chest. My eyes blurred. I am not ready. I am not ready!

But I need to do it sooner or later. The faster I get the blow; the faster I will regain my life back. The faster I admit everything; the shallower hate they will have for me. Earlier confession will make them less angry at me. I wish.

So I spoke out.

"Father, Yuuko-san, Kurogane… I have something to tell you."

I looked down, waiting for everyone to look at me.

"Yes, honey. What happen? What do you want? Well, I was thinking of going to mountains this weekend myself. Fresh air will do us good; don't you think?" Father smiled and took Yuuko's hand. He smiled to Kurogane, "You can go too, Kurogane."

"Thank you, Mr. Ashura." Kurogane smiled. I looked up and found that they were as tense as I was. Yuuko was staring at me deeply.

"What is it you want to talk about?" she smiled, asking me gently.

"…I want to confess."

"Confess what?" father asked in playful tone. "You fail your exam?"

"I want to confess that… I am not Fay."

"…" it need some time before the thing sink in. Nobody talked; they all waited for me to continue.

"…I am not Fay. I am Yui." I said in small tone. "I am Yui."

Silence followed. I waited for somebody else to break this silence. I waited for a good solid 10 minutes before suddenly Kurogane spoke out. "I know."

I was shocked. This is not the reaction I anticipated. I looked and stared at Kurogane, who looked at me like he has been longing for me for years. I don't understand. Why was he looked at me like that? Wasn't he supposed to be angry or sad because I am not Fay and that's mean Fay died? Fay is his lover! Wasn't he supposed to deny that I am Yui because he wanted Fay all along? What is this?

"…You are joking, right?" father asked me and chuckled awkwardly. "It's not very funny, Fay. But I admit…"

"Ashura, he is telling the truth." Yuuko-san cut my father. "He is not joking."

"I know." Kurogane spoke out. "I know you are Yui impersonating Fay."

"…as expected from Fay's lover." Yuuko smiled and looked at me. "I realized it too, somewhere these weeks. You are not Fay; you aren't Yui either. You felt tormented, did you not? Poor child."

Yuuko's smile made me dropped a tear. She knew me more than I expect her to. She smiled as if she is encouraging me and congratulating me for being honest. She didn't loath me. She accepted me. She feels like ma…

"Stop this."

"Ashura?" Yuuko touched father's cheek, but immediately father slapped her hand off.

"Don't touch me. Don't joke around. You are Fay, aren't you?"

"Mr. Ashura, calm down please…" Kurogane tried to calm my father down. But my father was looking at me like he was ready to tear me limb to limb; ready to choke me to death and threw me out.

"You… are Fay, aren't you? Don't lie to me." He came nearer to me. I flinched when he gently touched my chin. "That is Fay's face, Fay's voice, Fay's clothes. You are Fay, aren't you?"

"No… I am Yui. Pa…"

PLAK!!!! His hand slapped my cheek hard. It stung. It hurts; both my cheek and my chest. I have bitten my tongue. Blood taste filled my mouth cavity.

"I beg you… tell me you are Fay. Tell me what I want to hear."

Pa's voice sounded so dangerous but also desperate at the same time. I cried. I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't agree or disagree with the statement. I don't want to disagree and angered him further. But I also don't want to agree because I know nothing will return back as it was. I have confessed everything; I don't want to disappoint him but I don't want to keep lying to myself. I don't want to crush his happiness of finally only having his dearest son alive; but I don't want to live forever in this depressed state.

I want him to look at me and receive me as I am.

"… Fay?" he asked me so gently it hurts. "Come on; don't be deviant like your brother… Tell father you were just joking."

"…Pa, Fay… nii chan is… dead."

This time I was thrown to the wall. Head first to the wall; the collusion shocked my whole skull. In a second I was in blank; but the next second I was lifted up by a pair of strong arms.

"GIVE MY FAY BACK!!! YOU LITTLE…" pa's angry voice filled my ear. I couldn't fight back. Shame on me; as the strongest delinquent in school I couldn't fight back my own father. But maybe it's not I couldn't fight back; it's more like I don't want to fight back.

"Mr. Ashura!" "Ashura!"

I heard Kurogane's and Yuuko's voices behind pa. But pa was still having my neck; his hands were wrapping my neck tightly. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to move.

I am happy I died in my father's hands.

But I think that was just a dream. I was set free by Kurogane from my father's wrath. Yuuko pulled me back while Kurogane caught and tried to calm my raging father down. I coughed out some blood and liquid. Yuuko helped me by rubbing my back.

"GO OUT FROM THIS HOUSE! WHAT DID YOU DO TO FAY NOW, YOU BASTARD?! YOU HAVE TAKEN EMERAUDE FROM ME AND NOW FAY TOO? I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS! YOU ARE NOT MY SON! GET OUT!!!!"

Yuuko wanted to defy father but in the end she closed back her mouth.

"go first, Yui." She whispered. "I will calm your dad down. Please go somewhere safe first. I'll contact you when he is ready."

She stood up; walking towards fighting pa and Kurogane.

The next moment, she slapped pa hard. "CALM DOWN, ASHURA!"

"WHAT YOU BITCH …SLAPPED ME…"

Another slap came from Yuuko.

"I SAID CALM DOWN." Yuuko stared hard and cold at my father. "Kurogane; please take Yui away from here. I will take care of this stupid child."

Kurogane nodded and let go my father; he immediately took me away from the room and carried me out from my house.

I sobbed. I felt weak. I felt useless. I felt I should have died. I shouldn't confess. I shouldn't make pa that angry. I should have just kept living as Fay. I should just keep quiet. I should just keep being his favourite son.

Kurogane was silent and I was thankful because I don't want to talk. When he took me out from the house, the chill air of the night stabbed into my skin; reminded me of my current homeless status. Remind me of how I will never ever be welcomed anymore in this house. Remind me of my mistakes. I was the one who killed ma and Fay. Pa was right. If only I listen to ma and didn't go towards the road; if only I didn't pull Fay together with me… everybody will be happy. Pa will be happy Fay is alive. Kurogane will be happy Fay is alive. Yuuko wouldn't need to slap and get angry at pa. People will be happy Fay survived. The world will be better without me.

"don't think too much." Kurogane whispered as he took me into his house. "I am happy that you are Yui."

The statement called me back to my common sense.

Something was wrong with him.

He shouldn't be happy I am Yui; not Fay.

What is this?

* * *

PLEASE READ 'CHILDHOOD MEMORIES' FOR EXPLANATION OF THEIR PAST.

REVIEW PLEASE.

FAVE PLEASE?


	6. Chapter 6

This is the continuation of the story. enjoy~!

* * *

"Have you calmed down?" Kurogane gave Yui a glass of water. Yui took the glass and muttered 'thank you' so soft that it was almost inaudible. They were sitting inside Kurogane's room. Kurogane's parent has given the permission to let Yui sleep in their house. They even asked whether Yui wanted to stay there for the time being. Kurogane has explained the matter to them, but just in brief. They understood straight away, because they knew the nature of Ashura's family relationship.

Kurogane took a seat and sat beside the bed. Yui were limply sitting on the bed body against the wall. He couldn't stop cursing himself but the same time; also think about the nature of his brother's relationship with his unrequited love. He couldn't help but feel curious about Kuro's feeling. He is not a moron; he could sense that actually, maybe, he is the one whom Kuro likes… maybe. And that was just a wishful thinking from his part.

He just remembered how he used to look at Kurogane in Fay's arms. They looked so perfect and together. They always smile, they always have a date, Fay always spends time in Kurogane's house and Kurogane more often than not came to their house in weekends. This room of Kurogane… must have been filled with Fay's things, Yui smiled bitterly. They were so romantic and made for each other that people has already giving them permission and blessing for marriage although they were both guys. And looking at how happy they were together make Yui forgot how to smile.

He remembered how he used to take a sneak peek on them. How he wished he was the smiling and blushing Fay in front of their house, talking to Kurogane. How he wished he was the one whom hair Kurogane patted softly. How he wished he was the one who is embraced gently by the masculine neighbour. How he wished he was the one who could meet his lips with Kurogane's…

And all he could do was watching and feeling. Jealousy, for a start, has filled his chest since they were small. His father whom prefers to see Fay and Fay only was the very first source. Somehow Yui always wondered why he wasn't treated the same as the way Fay was treated. What was the different between him and Fay? They were identical and it's even hard to separate between the two. Was it because he was the second, the later who came onto this world? What if he was the first child? What if, he was the first one who came out from his mother's womb? What if, he was the one who… died?

Synchro with Fay made everything worse. Yui could feel the warmth enveloping him, the gentle touch and the blissful desire filled him to the core. But when he opened his eyes, he was all alone in a room, enveloped by darkness. He wasn't embrace by someone. He was embraced by a shadow. He was loved by something abstract, and that maybe wasn't even existed for him. Everything was for his brother and not him. Every warmth, every smile, every blessing are all for his beloved other self called Fay.

And he realized he was never needed in the world. In fact, people wished he hadn't been born. Or at least, people wished him to just blend in with the background, whispering inaudibly into his ears, _'please disappear. You are just plain annoying extra.'_

Yui often went home dishevelled; body full of scars and bruise, tore uniform and messy appearance. He secretly wished that somebody would notice, helped him and offered him some nice, full attention. He often gets the reverse; nobody notice, or they were pretending not to. His brother stared at him as if blaming him for dirtying the uniform. Fay has always complaint about how he should share his uniform supply with Yui just because Yui always get his new one torn pretty fast. His father will add some more bruise to his face, unabashedly calling him names and they will ended fighting each other. And it continued by slamming of doors. And continued by Yui ventured his anger on Fay's dear plants. Or Ashura's dear car.

He always wished that everybody die. Him, his father and Fay. Then everybody will reunite in heaven and his mom could smack his dad and they will laughed like what they used to be. Fay will start to smile at him again and they wouldn't need to fight for attention anymore. And they wouldn't have Kurogane to share too, so since everybody don't have one, it's fair.

He was stupid, actually. He should have just let Fay pushed him. He was acting on an impulse and pulled his brother together. He wasn't thinking to mach on that split of second. And maybe Fay knew it too. He was gambling with their lives; gambling who will die first, Yui or him. Or maybe Fay wanted to know who was loved more by God by dieing first. And of course, Fay always wins. He is the first son after all.

The memories and trains of thoughts made Yui's eyes wet. He has ruined everything, they are all now broken into pieces and he wasn't sure they could make it up back. Looking back, it was a perfect family if he stayed as Fay. Father loves Fay, check. Kurogane and Fay, check. Yuuko san loves father and Fay, check. It's perfect. He shouldn't have put himself into the picture. He should have just given up of being himself. Being Yui is hard and useless. Being Fay is better and useful. Fay is a better name. Fay is a better status.

"Yui." Suddenly Kurogane's hand enveloped Yui's cheek. Yui was bashed in warmth and affection for a split of second. So, this is how it feels being the one whom touched by the dark haired red eyed boy. But Yui stopped the sensation from going into his chest. Come on, he has ruined everything. He doesn't deserve any kind of help or affection right now. What he deserved was scold and hatred. Kurogane is Fay's and he shouldn't trample on that last thread.

"don't touch me."

Kurogane took back his arm, which was ready to embrace.

"What… why did you bring me here?"

"Because you need a home the most now."

"I do need a home, but I don't need your home."

"I don't know any other home except mine and yours."

"… You can left me in the park."

"And what? Left you sleeping besides cats and homeless? Letting you being raped by some perverts out there?"

"I wouldn't. I am strong and I am not a woman."

"You are not strong and you are not a woman. Look at me, Yui."

"You don't want to look at me. What you want to look at is Fay."

"Yes. You are maybe right."

Yui shoot him a glare. Kurogane smiled. "now you look at me."

"I am not looking at you."

"who is the boy glaring at me now? It's not Fay. Fay wouldn't glare at me."

"…" yes. How could his dear gentle effeminate brother glare at other people?

"Fay would rather hit me."

"What?" Yui was surprised. How come? His dear lovely brother would never ever harm a fly.

"He knows I am in love not with him but with his little brother. His copy. And he wanted to hit me, but he didn't have the heart to hit us. Fay loves me and he loves you too. And I have chosen him, although I know I should have just chosen you from the start."

"Wh..at? chosen?"

"When we were small, I played a lot with you two. Three is a crowd. I know that but since you two were unseparateable, I am the third wheel. Then I tried to get in. I would love to be between the two of you. The strong bond between you and Fay made me jealous. I started to think what if I am inside; what if I am the one who will became your connection to each other? And I did succeed. Looking back, I was happy when suddenly Fay said he likes me. So I go out with him. And I thought I have entered the world I always admired.

Well, imagination wasn't reality. The bond I admired turned stale. Both of you ignored each other. But there is something abstract between Fay and you. And I started to give my attention to the troublesome little brother of his. Fay always talked about you everyday, you know? I was enraged. I thought I was jealous of you, being inside Fay's mind 24 hours a day. And then I started to look out for you, my rival in love. And I realized. Those eyes were looking at me exactly like the way my mom looked at my dad. Thinking back now, it maybe true that although Fay loves me, I never loves him back. All I had for him was affection and admire."

Kurogane smiled bitterly. "I am in no place to confess. But I love you. I started to love you since halfway through me dating Fay. I looked at you, and pity the small, dishevelled you. I started to wait for you, stalking you, making sure you come back home safely. I started to visit some of your enemies and made them rethink to attack you. I started to notice little things about you. How you always actually pulled back the plant you stepped on. How you always hesitated before opening your house's door knob. How you sneaked a peek from the window, watching me and Fay chatting rubbish. I started to think about you whenever Fay and I were making out. I started to divide my attention between the guy in front of me and the guy inside my chest. And I never know… it was this hurtful to love someone you shouldn't love."

Yui was silent. He didn't know how to react. Should he rejoice with this strange confession? After all, his unrequited love for years was actually mutual. But when he thought about it, all of these sounded really unfair for Fay. They should be mourning him.

"I didn't expect you to receive me, or we made up together." Kurogane smiled. "But please… let us be friends like the past. I couldn't bear the thought of not having to see you, couldn't touch you, couldn't talk to you, or you hating me. I know I have hurt Fay. But I am sorry and thankful he was gone. I think he was on his last thread too. He was on the edge of the cliff. The tension, pressure and love made him almost crazy; I couldn't take it when he rambled about himself all the time."

Yui looked at his neighbour's eyes. Those red eyes were looking at him back. They spent a good 5 minutes staring at each other's eyes.

Look, they whispered through their eye contact. We love each other utually but we weren't meant to be together.

They smiled. They understand what was happening. And in the end both of them sleep together; Yui inside Kuro's arms; and faced the new day together.

________________________________

Ashura couldn't believe his ears. His son was confessing something about him not being Fay but being Yui. He went to the altar, and pulled out a mug. Inside was what he thought to be Yui's ash. He didn't want to put it beside the ashes of his wife, Emeraude. The beautiful Emeraude. Yui was Emeraude's killer. So he shouldn't be beside her ashes.

But then… this is Fay's ashes. His beloved son has gone, and instead of treating the remaining of Fay properly and lovingly, he shut it inside a locked drawer. So all of the deeds he done for Fay were actually done for Yui. And he just…

He just realized how bad he is. Even though he favourites one of his son, he is not good enough to realized which one is which. He took it for granted the smiling one is Fay and the bruised one is Yui. So actually when they mixed up, it didn't really matters which one is more important for him.

Yuuko has hit his head twice. "cool your head." She said. "I want you to introspect yourself." It was hurt. Yuuko was as strong as a man. She is a very invincible lady.

Ashura sighed. He could feel tears slowly melted down his cheek. The feeling of helplessness came back to him. Like the last time when he saw Emeraude crashed by a car and died. The day she was buried was the day he broke up and never knew he could live any longer. That day, they have buried a part of him with the coffin. The part of him who can love somebody else honestly.

Fay… forgive him. Ashura whispered to the mug.

Yui… that small bastard has taken away his wife. He should have just died… but…he is the only one he had now. He is the only living remembrance of Emeraude. And Ashura knew, deep inside his head he ctualy realized it's not fair to blame a child because of a mistake he never made. It wasn't purely Yui's fault. Yui was just an infant, he knew nothing. But the panic attacks have made Ashura believed that actually that little infant knew he was the one who was wrong and he need to atone it. Ashura left him when he needed help the most.

He was such… a…

Ashura closed his eyes and sighed. Tears wouldn't stop running down his cheek.

"Sorry… Fay. Sorry… Yui."

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do you think i need to continue or this is better as the end?

Please review. if review said i must continue, then i have one more scene in my head. but it's kinda unimportant anyway. but i could make it important.

please favorite if you like this. or at least PM me or something and said you like it. so i know actually there is someone out there who read my story.

Thank you for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

THIS IS THE LAST. THANK YOU FOR PEOPLE WHO HAS STAYED UNTIL NOW READING THIS THING. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS STORY.

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Yui closed his suitcase. The things he brought with him were completely sealed inside the suitcase. He didn't bring much; most of the thing inside was memento of their mother and Fay.

"Are you done?"

"Yes, pa."

Ashura smiled awkwardly. "I am sorry. I didn't mean to send you out like this…"

"No, it's fine. I understand." Yui smiled back. They were awkward, but they have passed the point of no return. Nothing will return even if they yelled at each other or hating each other, so what's done is done, now is the time to forgive; a time to let go. Ashura received back his son and apologized for what he had done. Yui, being the child, never could hate his parent back and forgive everything in the past. Yui felt like he also have the blame because he was the actual reason why Emeraude get the accident. Yuuko assured both of them that if they just try to receive each other, they can start their broken relationship towards a new future. Yui did try; Ashura did try his best too; and they came to a mutual understanding that even thought they have forgiven everything between them, some things were meant to be lingering on the way and couldn't just be forgotten. They were awkward with each other most of the time and somehow… they do miss Fay. Oh, how they missed the bridge between them.

Yui looked at his brother's photo. They held a proper funeral for him last month. People were shocked to learn that actually they were talking bad about Yui to his face. They just realized that they had actually inappropriately rejoices for the survival of the wrong person; and have held grudge against an innocent corpse. Fay get the respect he deserved; people really cried in his funeral and most of the people who came and put a flower inside Fay's imaginary coffin (Fay body has been cremated before and luckily Ashura hadn't throw it away) were actually come to Yui to apologized. Yui couldn't take it, he felt like he has stolen the spotlight from Fay even in his funeral; but Kurogane assured him that Fay wouldn't mind, and actually Yui does deserve that apologize.

But awkward follows him everywhere. People were too scared to cross him and tried their best to be friendly with him; they treated like he was a guest even in his own class. The abnormal and uncomfortable feeling filled the atmosphere; eventually Yui couldn't take it and he made his first wish to Ashura. Looking back, Yui has never ever made any selfish wish since the day his mother died.

"_Pa, could you send me to a faraway place?"_

Ashura was shocked. Initially he thought Yui was still angry or hates him. But Yui explained the real reason that actually he felt unwelcomed in this city since many people know them. Ashura understood his son's feeling for the first time. He went to take care of the matter and in a week, it was decided that Yui will move to Hokkaido. A school with good reputation and boarding house has received Yui in. Yui actually is a bright student when he put his mind in his studies. It was easy for him to move.

He hadn't told anybody until the last day; which is today.

People were shocked, surprised when they hear the announcement. There were relieved sound; but mostly said they were shocked and sad because Yui left them. They sad they will miss Yui. They said that they should keep in contact.

Which was of course, just a polite gesture masking the real rush of relieve from people.

Yui didn't mind it. All he wants now is just to restart everything. And Kurogane was the last to know. As Yui put in his baggage into the car, Kurogane was there, out of breath, clearly was running from the school just to catch Yui's last hour.

"Yu..Yui…"

"Kuro- pii. You look so tired. You ran?"

"I did. Hh… why… didn't you tell me? Why the sudden move?"

"…I want to start anew."

"So… is that your answer?"

"Answer to what?"

"…my feelings."

"face it, Kuro-tan. We couldn't be happy. We wouldn't be happy. As long as I have Fay beside me, we wouldn't join together. And I will always have Fay with me, he is everywhere inside my body, my cell. And he is inside your heart too, somewhere, occupying a small place even I couldn't touch. We just couldn't be together, Kuro-tan. Not now, not tomorrow, never."

"What if… we try? We wouldn't know before we try."

"We have had the chance. But it was gone. The choice has been made. And this is the consequences. So… I think this is our good bye."

Yui smiled, embraced the bigger boy. Kuro slowly embraced the blonde guy back. Yui put his mouth closer, and they kiss.

A bittersweet kiss. The last and first. The end of their unfulfilled desire for each other.

"with this," Yui let go of Kurogane's warm hands, "we are finished."

"Do you… wish to not me again anymore?" Kurogane sounded so heartbroken when he said the question. Yui smiled.

"I will meet you again. But not as a potential lover, as your love object. We will meet again as a stranger… somewhere."

"…Yui, Kurogane, I know you guys need more time but the plane is due in 30 minutes." Ashura patted his son's shoulder. "I need to bring you now."

"bye bye, Kurochan." Yui smiled, tears started to drop from his cheek. "bye bye, Kuro…gane."

Yui didn't want to touch the bigger guy anymore; if he touch, he will just cling to that arm of Kurogane and never let go. So he ran into the car and locked the door, before crying to his dear life.

Tears went down like waterfall. No, he couldn't stop it. No, he wouldn't stop it. He needs it at the moment. He need an activity to peel off all this feeling from his heart. Sadness, anguish, loneliness, separation, desperate and love. He needs to forget all that and start as a new Yui. He needs to put away all those excess feeling off his chest. And his eyes had done it for him by producing rainfall.

Kurogane kneeled down to the harsh road. He watched as his love went away. It hurts. It hurts. And tears started to fall down.

He knows he need time to forget this feeling. He might never forget Yui and Fay, but in time, he will try to live by it and found his own happiness.

A future without Yui.

Or maybe with, who knows?

_________________

10 years later.

They met on a bridge. They smiled to each other. They asked about each other's health formally.

They kissed.

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THE END.

PLEASE REVIEW THE WHOLE STORY SO I KNOW WHERE I COULD IMPROVE?

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS STORY? AND THE ENDING IS PREFEARBLE; YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE WHAT I HOOSE BUT I FEEL I DO NEED AT LEAST TO MAKE A HAPPY TIME IN THIS STORY.

THANK YOU FOR READING. IT'S BEEN AN HONOUR TO WRITE THIS STORY.


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